toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm eating all of the evidence.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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