She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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