I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
