Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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