I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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