in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
