her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
