You can't special order awesome
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
