In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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