I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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