Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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