I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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