george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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