oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
