I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
