she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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