He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
