Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
