I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
