please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
