there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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