Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
