Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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