Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
