Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
