Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
