I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
