marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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