Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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