So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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