it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
