You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.