3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
