Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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