Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
