I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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