Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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