you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
