my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
