I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
