Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
