he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
