i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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