hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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