who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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