we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
