we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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