Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
