drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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