found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
