Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.