Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.