I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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