he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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