Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
