you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
