final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
