I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize