guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My vagina is very pro this idea
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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